Category Archives: Lulz
The gentleman in the middle is the innkeeper in Jandvik, which is in Suramar, of all places. When you engage him to purchase items, he greets you with such cheerful epithets as “I spit on you!” or “Sniveling pig!”. And when you’re done, he send you on your way with a jaunty “And don’t come back!” or a simple “Begone!”
I’m sure this is considered the pinnacle of manners in Valarjar society.
Does anyone wanna tell me why this felguard has smilies on his kneecaps? Last time I saw that thing, it was some dude got drunk during Rush Week and his “bros” painted smilies on his kneecaps with a sharpie.
File under “unexpectedly cheerful”. Is the Legion all about the smilies? Or is this some elaborate Frat hazing event? Not saying the bro isn’t strong in WoW. FratBros even moreso. But I thought we were moving in a different direction. My bad.
I recently had a few errands to run for Archmage Khadgar (not dropping names or anything) and one of them took me to The Exodar to visit my old friend Velen – well, this Velen isn’t so much my friend as someone that my actual friend Velen resembles a lot (only older). Look, it’s complicated, okay?
Anyway, when I got there, Velen was kinda busy and didn’t have a lot of time to chat or take selfies, but you know that doesn’t stop a Dwarf with determination. Here, he was doing something like preserving the very lives of every living soul in The Exodar while Demons charged the magical shield he was maintaining with his very life’s essence. Asked him to smile, honestly, guess that’s the best he could do.
Pitched in to help out, kinda grumpy about it since you know, he couldn’t be arsed to even look at the camera, but he did seem kinda put out at all the demons, and, well, no big fan of demons myself. So eventually I cheered up a bit at the sight of all those demons getting blown to bits courtesy of my new best friend Titanstrike and some old friends like Bumbles the Angry Bear. Many demons littering the floor, but the Exodar sanitation crew is pretty reliable to get those fel stains out of even the most obscure crevasses.
Of course, Velen had to be a big wet blanket at the end, something about how this invading demon general reminded him of his dead son or something like that, then he went all emo and told me to go tell Khadgar that “The Light is Dead.” Really, Vel? Gee, maybe I’ll go stick my head in Nomi’s kitchen while I’m at it. At least I’ll get quality burns out of that.
Seriously, your younger counterpart went with a lot more class than that.
What, too soon?
Our Leper Gnome spymaster at Blizzard has plumbed the depths of the Blizzard Corporate SharePoint server and mined data relevant to our interests. Now, I admit that Dave Kosak’s not super-high up on the corporate ladder, but his account was easiest to breach (Really, Fargo – “flintlockeRulz0rz?” Lame password, dude, guessed it on my third try.) and was stuffed to the gills with intelligence, or what passes for intelligence in Fargo’s neck of the woods.
Presented without further comment: the new expansion.
- Pretty much everyone agrees that Blackrock Depths was the most awesome dungeon EVER. We agree! Starting in this expansion, EVERY dungeon is BRD! Even the old expansions! The way it works is this: any time you enter a dungeon, you’ll be ported to BRD. Cool, eh?
- Pretty much everyone agrees that Karazhan was the most awesome raid EVAR. We concur! Starting in this expansion, almost EVERY raid is Karazhan! Even the old expansions – except Draenor, in which the raids are all Karazhan with more spikes!
- New endgame raid. This raid will consist of five wings. The first four rings are Blackrock Depths. The final ring, with the new endgame boss, will be Karazhan.
- New end boss: Khadgar! Everybody agrees, Khadgar is unusually spry and has been acting very unusual for a twenty-year-old man trapped in an old man’s body. Clearly, he’s up to no good!
- Raid difficulties were getting out of hand, so we’ve simplified the whole thing. Raids are now available in two flavors: L33t (40-man, Heroic difficulty) and N00bsauce (10-man, LFR-difficulty). All Noobsauce instances will have zero boss mechanics – every fight is Patchwerk! We also put a healing dummy in each room for the healers to keep alive, so they don’t feel left out.
- Dance Studio has been implemented for battle pets.
- The game will feature a Glitch / Techo soundtrack produced by Daft Punk.
- A new continent has been discovered south of the equator. Oddly, it is the same size as all the northern continents combined. Nobody can explain why nobody noticed it before, but mist is suspected as somehow being largely responsible.
- New race: Mega Orc: Large Orcs. With Spikes REALLY large Orcs. REALLY large spikes.
- New race: Murloc! You’ve been secretly wanting to play these for the last 10 years. Live the dream!
- Varian Wrynn has been elected Warchief of the Horde by a huge margin.
- Anduin Wrynn has been coronated King of Stormwind and appointed head of the Alliance.
- However, he does not get leadership of the Alliance by default. Moira Thaurissan attempts a coup! When the coup fails, she falls back to Shadowforge City.
- The expansion will open with a pre-launch event as Moira attempts her coup and falls back to Shadowforge, and the players must enter Blackrock Depths to bring her to justice!
- Malfurion falls asleep. Nobody knows where. This will form the basis of a dungeon based on the Emerald Dream. The event will take place in Blackrock Depths.
- Velen isn’t dead. He’s just really tired after defeating the Balrog. He’s hanging out at the Grim Guzzler in Shadowforge City.
- Jaina dumps Kalecgos and moves in with Yrel in a cozy apartment in Dalaran, where they open a private investigation service. It’s awesome.
- Fargo Flintlocke has been elected by unanimous consent as King of Ironforge, for some reason (note: this was in the margins of the documents we found, and we’re not entirely sure it’s canonical.)
- Orgrimmar has been equipped with more spikes.
- The Forsaken have relocated to Northrend.
- DHETA has set up an outpost and offer a bounty for dwarf ears and beards.
- The Tauren have formed a new faction with the Worgen and Pandaren, because they can’t stand any of you.
- New player class: Melee Hunter. Two specs – Healy and Hurty. Healy can tame exotic pets, such as Spirit Beasts.
- Level Cap has been raised to 120. Normally it would be 110, but we’re going to pre-nerf the leveling experience so we don’t forget to later. Therefore, we’re giving you 20 levels to enjoy the leveling grind.
- The Talent “Tree” has been further simplified. We’ve found that three choices are too confusing to many players (not looking at you, Fire Mages. Totally not looking at you.). So we’ve reduced each tier down to two choices and named them more descriptively. For example, the Warrior tier 3 talent choices are now “More hurty” and “More angry”.
- The exception is Druid, which has gone from four specs to five. See below.
- Weapon mechanics will be revamped and simplified. Examples: Defendo warrior carries Sword and Board. Hurty Priest carries Club. Healy Priest carries Staff. Warlock carries Staff. Hunter carries Boomstick. Monk carries Cudgel.
- New Druid form: Furby. Like owlbeast, but more fun with children.
- All crafting mats have been super-simplified. There is now only one kind of mat for each profession. For example, instead of 130 different herb types, now all herb nodes in all worlds past, present, and future, will yield one kind of thing – “Flower”. Same for mining – “Metal”, leatherworking – “Leather”, tailoring – “Cloth”, and enchanting – “Magic shit.”
- Jewelcrafting has been deprecated and will be deleted in the next expansion after this.
- All crafting professions are merged into one. To make items, you have to use bits of the various kinds of items you can gather. For example, a robe might be consisted of “Flower” and “Cloth”. Likewise, shoes would require “Leather” and “Metal”
- All gathering professions have collapsed into one – “Gatherer.”
- Cooking has been removed. Roving taco trucks have everything you need.
- Fishing is now a gathering profession for Archaeology.
This being Bizarro Outland, Draenor is replete with familiar faces. You just never know who you might run into.
Today I ran across the former warchief of the Horde, just hanging, as former warchiefs are wont to do. He let me take this sweet selfie.
I found this evil looking axe laying nearby. Asked him if it was his, he didn’t say it was.
Left it, though. The stats were all wrong.
Kicking myself, now – I could have DE’d that for some decent pixie dust for Jas. I bet someone came along and grabbed it already. No point in going back for it now.
By the way, don’t let the brochures fool you. Nagrand might look familiar to the old one, but it’s a lot more humid. Pack accordingly.
There’s been quite a bit of – well, “whinging” might not be totally inaccurate, but it might be viewed as some as offensive ((Not intended to be offensive, but A==B, B==C therefore A==C kinda thing. Sorry. Your baggage is your own, please claim it at the point of debarkation.)), so we’ll call it “whinge-like sounding critique” – about the pre-expansion event associated with Wierdos of Draenor ((Or whatever it’s called.)), and that puzzles me. It’s as if they remember other pre-expansion events that I do not. Neither Pre-WotLK nor Pre-Cata were all that big a deal, and were done after a handful of quests, unless you were the kind of jerk that liked to get the zombie curse and grief your own faction ((In which case, go spin on a stick.)). I’d even say that the Cata event was much shorter. And maybe I missed the Panda event, but I really don’t remember one. So whatsamatta for u?
I just don’t get the haters. Well, I do. Haters gotta hate. If they got nothing to hate, they make something to hate. So yeah I get it, but I hatin.
OH DAMN. NOW I BE A HATR!
I do have one issue with the event, and it’s with the way that quest events are indicated in the game. They’ve moved from a “sparkle” highlight or a “gear” highlight to a “faint outline” highlight that I absolutely hate. Maybe I’ll get used to it, but right now I can see a LOT of trips to WoWHead in my future as I grapple with hidden items in Draenor.
If I had been ambivalent about the Iron Horde before, this would have changed it.
YOU KILLED KERI! YOU BASTARDS!
Us Dwarves have a fairly low threshold of outrage when it come to killing off our booze vendors.
Clearly, somebody’s going to have to pay for this.
And I’m comin’ for payment, you bastiges ((Bastiges. It’s a Wildhammer thing.)).
Well, we thought we had a handle on healers, but our guild ended up being so hard up for one that I got dragged back into the sunlight again. So I’ve been Atone-ing my little elvish ass off and sweating like a software engineer at a mixer party, but not having much time to hit the Island of Mucho Loot (The Elvish name is untranslatable).
So I replaced my iLevel 450 shoulders tonight. And this happened.
Cataclysm. Or, as I like to call it, The Long Hangover.
Every now an then I have to spring Illume out of the glyph shop and drag her around the countryside to remind her what it looks like. I don’t mind this, I consider this a service to her and the people around her. She still doesn’t seem to appreciate it. Like that’s ever stopped me.
On this occasion we were tromping around the ruins in Shadowmoon Valley, just for old times’ sake. Since it was a special occasion, I let all the demons out to play around. To you and me, it’s a burned out wilderness burning with Fel energies. To them, it’s Disneyland ((I know someone that has portals. She knows things.)).
We were sitting around the campfire, enjoying a few moments of relative quiet, when Illume broke out laughing. Looking over my shoulder, I saw why. My imp, Fuzzbutt ((Not really his name.)), was running by wielding a whip and cackling manically. After a moment, he was followed by my succubus, Bronwyn ((Might be her name.)), waving her fist in the air and cursing in a language few on Azeroth or Draenor have ever heard without bursting into flames. I’d forgotten how much Fuzzbutt loved to torment her.
I let out a heavy sigh and Illume looked concerned.
“Something wrong, Flora?”
“Nope,” I sighed again. “Just one damned thing after another.” ((I only steal from the best.))
Illume didn’t speak to me for a month.
I love it when bloggers post search terms that brought people to their website, and express awe / incredulity / outrage / amusement at the outlandish terms that often bring people to them.
But what of the spammers? Nobody loves them, and yet they submit such masterful examples of the language – whatever it might be.
So, to be different, let’s share.
I do not even know the way I ended up here, however I believed this put up was once great.
Yes, our heyday is long past, and now we’re wallowing in mediocrity.
I do not recognize who you are but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already. Cheers!
I once almost met BRK in real life, this is true. Perhaps there is another famous blogger I will go to someday. Ratters, you up for a double date?
This write-up very pressured me to check out and do so!
That write-up pressured me to check out as well.
Your writing style has been amazed me.
Again, clearly we’re past our prime. All but called has-beens!
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I am imagining several angles as well, trying to parse this one.
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If you don’t handle it up, you won’t get gas.
I am sending it to some pals ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thank you to your sweat!
My sweat says "your welcome". My sweat is trolling.
I’ve added a rotating wall of spam to the blog. Don’t tell Grimm, let’s see how long it takes him to notice!