WoW 7 Reveal LEAKED. You won’t believe what they have planned!
Our Leper Gnome spymaster at Blizzard has plumbed the depths of the Blizzard Corporate SharePoint server and mined data relevant to our interests. Now, I admit that Dave Kosak’s not super-high up on the corporate ladder, but his account was easiest to breach (Really, Fargo – “flintlockeRulz0rz?” Lame password, dude, guessed it on my third try.) and was stuffed to the gills with intelligence, or what passes for intelligence in Fargo’s neck of the woods.
Presented without further comment: the new expansion.
- Pretty much everyone agrees that Blackrock Depths was the most awesome dungeon EVER. We agree! Starting in this expansion, EVERY dungeon is BRD! Even the old expansions! The way it works is this: any time you enter a dungeon, you’ll be ported to BRD. Cool, eh?
- Pretty much everyone agrees that Karazhan was the most awesome raid EVAR. We concur! Starting in this expansion, almost EVERY raid is Karazhan! Even the old expansions – except Draenor, in which the raids are all Karazhan with more spikes!
- New endgame raid. This raid will consist of five wings. The first four rings are Blackrock Depths. The final ring, with the new endgame boss, will be Karazhan.
- New end boss: Khadgar! Everybody agrees, Khadgar is unusually spry and has been acting very unusual for a twenty-year-old man trapped in an old man’s body. Clearly, he’s up to no good!
- Raid difficulties were getting out of hand, so we’ve simplified the whole thing. Raids are now available in two flavors: L33t (40-man, Heroic difficulty) and N00bsauce (10-man, LFR-difficulty). All Noobsauce instances will have zero boss mechanics – every fight is Patchwerk! We also put a healing dummy in each room for the healers to keep alive, so they don’t feel left out.
- Dance Studio has been implemented for battle pets.
- The game will feature a Glitch / Techo soundtrack produced by Daft Punk.
- A new continent has been discovered south of the equator. Oddly, it is the same size as all the northern continents combined. Nobody can explain why nobody noticed it before, but mist is suspected as somehow being largely responsible.
- New race: Mega Orc: Large Orcs. With Spikes REALLY large Orcs. REALLY large spikes.
- New race: Murloc! You’ve been secretly wanting to play these for the last 10 years. Live the dream!
- Varian Wrynn has been elected Warchief of the Horde by a huge margin.
- Anduin Wrynn has been coronated King of Stormwind and appointed head of the Alliance.
- However, he does not get leadership of the Alliance by default. Moira Thaurissan attempts a coup! When the coup fails, she falls back to Shadowforge City.
- The expansion will open with a pre-launch event as Moira attempts her coup and falls back to Shadowforge, and the players must enter Blackrock Depths to bring her to justice!
- Malfurion falls asleep. Nobody knows where. This will form the basis of a dungeon based on the Emerald Dream. The event will take place in Blackrock Depths.
- Velen isn’t dead. He’s just really tired after defeating the Balrog. He’s hanging out at the Grim Guzzler in Shadowforge City.
- Jaina dumps Kalecgos and moves in with Yrel in a cozy apartment in Dalaran, where they open a private investigation service. It’s awesome.
- Fargo Flintlocke has been elected by unanimous consent as King of Ironforge, for some reason (note: this was in the margins of the documents we found, and we’re not entirely sure it’s canonical.)
- Orgrimmar has been equipped with more spikes.
- The Forsaken have relocated to Northrend.
- DHETA has set up an outpost and offer a bounty for dwarf ears and beards.
- The Tauren have formed a new faction with the Worgen and Pandaren, because they can’t stand any of you.
- New player class: Melee Hunter. Two specs – Healy and Hurty. Healy can tame exotic pets, such as Spirit Beasts.
- Level Cap has been raised to 120. Normally it would be 110, but we’re going to pre-nerf the leveling experience so we don’t forget to later. Therefore, we’re giving you 20 levels to enjoy the leveling grind.
- The Talent “Tree” has been further simplified. We’ve found that three choices are too confusing to many players (not looking at you, Fire Mages. Totally not looking at you.). So we’ve reduced each tier down to two choices and named them more descriptively. For example, the Warrior tier 3 talent choices are now “More hurty” and “More angry”.
- The exception is Druid, which has gone from four specs to five. See below.
- Weapon mechanics will be revamped and simplified. Examples: Defendo warrior carries Sword and Board. Hurty Priest carries Club. Healy Priest carries Staff. Warlock carries Staff. Hunter carries Boomstick. Monk carries Cudgel.
- New Druid form: Furby. Like owlbeast, but more fun with children.
- All crafting mats have been super-simplified. There is now only one kind of mat for each profession. For example, instead of 130 different herb types, now all herb nodes in all worlds past, present, and future, will yield one kind of thing – “Flower”. Same for mining – “Metal”, leatherworking – “Leather”, tailoring – “Cloth”, and enchanting – “Magic shit.”
- Jewelcrafting has been deprecated and will be deleted in the next expansion after this.
- All crafting professions are merged into one. To make items, you have to use bits of the various kinds of items you can gather. For example, a robe might be consisted of “Flower” and “Cloth”. Likewise, shoes would require “Leather” and “Metal”
- All gathering professions have collapsed into one – “Gatherer.”
- Cooking has been removed. Roving taco trucks have everything you need.
- Fishing is now a gathering profession for Archaeology.